Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

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I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.


Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.


they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead


Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man


If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.


I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.


[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy


Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.


[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.