@Tmoney68

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

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@Tups13

I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.

@TheRealAnchovy

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

@sonictyrant

[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy

@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@Vice_Queen

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.