@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

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@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@FuckabillyRex

Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell?

It’s both.

@thecassiecao

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.