Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.