Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

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[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

[turns into bat and flies away]


i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took


I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?



Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?


Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell?

It’s both.


why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti


I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.


[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?


Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.