Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff