nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no


How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way


Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working


boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds


Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups


Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.


The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.


The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”



me: you don’t remember me do you?