@jonnysun

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds

@SortaBad

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

@ClichedOut

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

@CubanaMama82

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

@kirthyiyer

The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

@conajam

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?