Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
When I can’t barge, I careen.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Catercrombie & Fish
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Not all heroes wear capes…
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.