@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

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@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@MarfSalvador

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.

@Sotherans

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

@cmfh111

my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.

@CraveMyThoughts

Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat.

Date your grandma