@nealbrennan: Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny...”
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@HansGrubertron: [Weights bench at the gym] ME: ...327...328...329... PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
@_elvishpresley_: [inventing vampire weaknesses] writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night writer 2: nice how about crucifixes? writer 1: ooh yea and holy water! writer 2: we're crushing this [5 hours later] writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside writer 2: garlic
@ArfMeasures: AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway A.S: Yes ME: I'd be lost without u
@Ideal_Victoria: Ok, seriously men... You can't hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you're suddenly wide awake?!