“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”
my work here is done.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat.
Date your grandma