Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My life in a nutshell
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.