[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.