Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.


Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…


{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.


Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.


it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken


*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*


guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog


Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.


Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs