Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life