Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*