Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order