Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Wait a minute…
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Incredible customer service.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.