Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Not recommended for beginners.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!