2022 be like
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!