Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.
Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Next time I’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I will break into your house if I smell bacon
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad