@better_off_dad

Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.

Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.

- @better_off_dad

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@datingdecisions

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

@RegularFred

I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to “let’s practice your fingering technique”

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@GloriaFallon123

To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”

@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@c12h22o11balls

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

@PaperWash

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?