Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You Might Also Like
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.