Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday
‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’
My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably
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Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.
Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.