My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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Sounds about right! 💯
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge