Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.