when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Perfect.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it