Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!

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I stepped on two raccoons today, but I’m just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.


If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.


Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.


Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”


*brings lunch to work*


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.


ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.


Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.


every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year