@_steamy_mac: Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!
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@dorsalstream: [dragging bathtub into the kitchen] Wife: What are you doing? Me: Toaster cord is too short.
@notstevenwhite: "Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?" wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they've never heard of before
@MicroFlashFic: "Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?" "No- wait, Dracula?" "Yes!" "You're vampires?" "Yes. We have pamphlets." "Vampires have missionaries?" "Where else would new vampires come from?" "I assumed you bit people." "There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"
@carlyken:  "Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor" *three English ladies faint* WTF THIS MEANS WAR