Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!

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Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning


Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.


My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.


My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.


It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.


[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]