“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Smooooooth
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.