@juliussharpe

Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…

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@NewDadNotes

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

@Skoog

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

@leapeajo

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

@koalaslament

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@TigNotaro

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

@Holy_Mowgli

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

@McAttack88

Is it wrong to follow people just because they’re hot?

Also, what about on Twitter?