Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Is it wrong to follow people just because they’re hot?
Also, what about on Twitter?