“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
craving $300 all of a sudden
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*