Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
You Might Also Like
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way