Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?
HAHA, get it?!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.