@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

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@eyeswidebutt

[on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’

@mzeld

What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”

@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

@cbdoubleu

[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*

@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@SamGrittner

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*