@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

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@clyderun

The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?

@D_empiricist

Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂

@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

@KateWhineHall

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

@chuuew

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

@onion_an

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”