mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
You Might Also Like
What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Not having sex till I have kids
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*