Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.