The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
You Might Also Like
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.
Is he mad at me?
Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂
Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.
5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*