@anotherbecky429

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@MakesYouGiggle

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

@LizHackett

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@ShootyDoody

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

@Marlebean

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?