Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
you gotta be faster
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician