Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Beyonce should have her own trampoline company.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?