cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]