Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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