Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.