@AimeeHelene1

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

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@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@_steamy_mac

Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”

@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@D_Ciphered

My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.

@WilliamAder

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

@noogscorner

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u