Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Haha good job!!
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.