nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol