Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black