Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
no one ever comes back
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
sensitive skin
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer