Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Most fashion shows these days…
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I had to Stop for this
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
o shit
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Smallpox sounds so adorable