Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.