Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.