Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation