Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki