*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Vodka burrito was a success
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.