@topaz_kell: Nothing ruins a game of hide and seek like when the cops let the K9 off the leash.
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@AnnietheNanny1: Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward What a sturdy clavicle you have.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at 25yr class reunion] Me: You haven’t changed at all! Her: Hahaha, thanks Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
@WhaJoTalkinBout: customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing me: oh *declines it* thank you
@ArfMeasures: Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house Me: What, really? Neighbour: Promise me you'll get an exorcist Me: I promise Neighbour: It's important because you live alone Me: No I don't Her: Thank you, I promise Me: Oh God