Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.