What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Wife: Were you drunk last night?
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.
She just gave you her stomach virus.