nothing saves money like being antisocial
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Straight people are cancelled
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.