nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
They grow up so quick
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
How it started: How it’s going:
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.