Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Friends that check up on you >
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”