According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not