@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

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@leannuh

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

@KenJennings

Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@jwoodham

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

@laurenthehough

Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not