Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”


Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read


[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*


You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…


When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”


*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*


Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.


ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not