Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.


Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?


been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.


My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.


my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”


hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”


Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely


Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.