@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

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@YourDailyGroan

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@Playing4Second

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

@rsynder336x2

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife
“you said you wanted the biggest one right”
Because I’m a great husband

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

@TuckerFly1

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what