Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Wednesday
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The internet is magic sometimes.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.