Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

You Might Also Like


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.


I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty


We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.


If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.


Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors



I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife
“you said you wanted the biggest one right”
Because I’m a great husband


Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on


Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.


GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what