HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*