GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Ha.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?