@sarahyehia82

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

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@_Bad_Karma

HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit

@WheelTod

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

@mommajessiec

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*