Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

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4-year-old: What does God smell like?



Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?


You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.


I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.


I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.


DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!


Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded


[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon