@DebraMuffin

Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

You Might Also Like

@HeidiCF8

I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..

@THEDUTHCHESS

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@BeTheCookie

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

@RodLacroix

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

@SteveSackington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

@dave_cactus

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

@jollyrobber

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant