Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*sips scalding coffee
“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.