@clusterctraits

Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.

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@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@karanbirtinna

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@skedaddle74

All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.

@boring_as_heck

The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”

@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

@Deno_Tron

Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he’s not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room