Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.
All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he’s not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room