I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
You Might Also Like
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here