@clusterctraits

Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.

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@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

@FU_TangClan

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

@UncleDuke1969

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.