Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.

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I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling


[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone


A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.


my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.


Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”


prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here