Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
yeah no that’s fair
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
the icebreaker
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
japanese corn
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.