@Soberphobiccc

Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.

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@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@Dawn_M_

Dating Tips
1.
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5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break