me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.
Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I got fired today
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break