People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
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I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
the #horror is real!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
broke down and did it
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.